i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my sisters under your porch take her home
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
