I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
