Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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