I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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