"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I want to fling myself into the sun
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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