the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
