dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
