In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
