He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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