theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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