I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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