Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
