I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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