My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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