I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
