well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
