Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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