She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
