What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
