You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
