I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
