you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I had to cum in my sink.
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