So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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