Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
