just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
