She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
