You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
