i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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