im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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