never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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