She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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