In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
