whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
