I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize