My Higher Power is John Stamos
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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