1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
