Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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