I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
