Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
