i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
