it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
