Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
