i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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