On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
