If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize