When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
