I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm both gender and math confused
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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