I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
