Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
