why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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