I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
