I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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