The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
