would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
