My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
