Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
