Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize