i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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