Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
