I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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