A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize